Stewart On The Move?
Tony Stewart is at it again. The anti-media man has now managed to get his contract negotiations into public view. Perhaps it’s not his fault the media got hold of the story about Tony’s multiple contract negotiations. What I really mean is these negotiations invariably have a lot of twists and turns when it comes to Stewart. For now, everybody’s along for the ride until an extension beyond 2009 is signed or he moves from the Joe Gibbs Racing team.Here are — according to one man’s opinion — the top ten most likely career moves by Stewart at the conclusion of his current contract at the end of the 2009 season.
1. Stewart announces his retirement from driving to start a new short track series called Tony’s Tip Top Tracks — after buying up 47 facilities to expand his current holdings, topped by Eldora. (According to Joe Gibbs, “Tony’s got enough money to last the rest of his life.”)
2. Saying he’s tired of debris flags and calls to meet in the NASCAR hauler at 8 a.m., Stewart announces he has reached an agreement to buy NASCAR. (According to Gibbs, “Tony doesn’t have to worry about money.”)
3. Saying he really loves his sponsor, Stewart announces that he has signed a contract extension with Joe Gibbs Racing and is making a tender offer for enough Home Depot stock to take the company private. (According to J.D. Gibbs, the team president at JGR, drivers “are going to see a pretty big increase in their salaries and financial situation.”)
4. Regarding unfinished business, Stewart announces his return to the Indy Racing League in 2010 with an eye on winning the Indy 500 with his own team. (Tony George announces simultaneously that he has entered negotiations with Stewart regarding the driver’s purchase of the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, “because it’s the best means we have to convince an established American driver to join the IRL.”)
5. Stewart announces he has accepted J.D. Gibbs’ bonus offer to make him the president-for-life of a small country to be named later and will return to JGR for five more seasons. (Media speculation centers on Belize, Guatemala or Fredonia.)
6. Saying he has negtotiated a deal with General Motors that is double what Toyota has been paying to Joe Gibbs Racing, Stewart announces he has signed a contract with himself as the new owner of Joe Gibbs Racing. (According to Stewart, “Joe Gibbs doesn’t have to worry about money.”)
7. Admitting that he secretly always wanted to be Michael Schumacher — after reading Herschel Walker’s book and realizing he had multiple personality disorder — Stewart announces his new deal with Joe Gibbs Racing includes several drives aboard Ferrari 430 GT Berlinettas on Saturdays in American Le Mans Series events. (Stewart explains this choice: “I asked myself, ‘What would Herschel do?’”)
8. Stewart announces that he has entered negotiations with the governments of Canada and Mexico to create a “North American All-Star Racing Team.” (”I decided,” says Stewart, “that it would not be enough just to be president-for-life of a small country when I could leverage a couple of big ones for several months of contract negotiations.”)
9. Flanked by his team of financial advisers, Stewart hosts a media conference to announce he has under way the world’s first successful effort to corner the gold market and that he would consider his driving career at a later date. (”I’ve always said I’d race for a basket of apples if that’s what they were offering,” he adds.)
10. Stewart announces that he is quitting as a driver to become an agent for drivers. (”I paid so much money to Cary Agajanian over the years,” he says, “that I finally figured out the only thing that could be more lucrative than becoming an agent would be cloning myself. And, we’re working on that.”)
Jonathan Ingram can be reached at jonathan@jingrambooks.com.
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